they
Two months ago, after taking assorted extended family members to a Down syndrome association dinner and dance, in hopes that seeing people with Down syndrome will start to change old perceptions and stereotypes:
My sister-in-law: They sure are short, and they sure like to dance, huh?
Me: (sound of me knocking my head against the table) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH
A conversation I had with my husband’s stepmother just last week:
Me: Aaron goes to his neighbourhood preschool. The government gives us funding for a Developmental Specialist to go with him and help him if he needs it.
Stepmother-in-law: Well, if all of them go to regular schools, there isn’t going to be enough room in the classroom for all those kids and their aides.
Me: What?!?
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Stepmother-in-law: And all of them are going to take attention away from the normal kids.
Me: (still in shock, but trying to be rationale) Well, studies have shown that typical kids learn a lot from children with disabilities.
Husband: (hates conflict, but chimes in) My business partner has a son with autism who is in grade one. What they have actually done is surround him with a group of kids who help teach him in the classroom. If you actually do something by teaching, you learn a lot more than just sitting passively and listening to a teacher.
Stepmother-in-law: I think they should be in special schools so they have special teachers help them.
Me: I want Aaron to go to the same school as his siblings. Kids with disabilities do not just take, take, take – they give back, too!
Me: (continuing, starting to lose my patience, but trying to express my point of view) We want Aaron to have choice in his life so he can live independently if he chooses to.
Stepmother-in-law: I think they should stay in institutions. They closed down the institutions and now they are all on the streets causing trouble. Look at East Hastings! (A notorious homeless and drug haven in Vancouver).
Me: (unsuccessfully suppressing my rage) So you are saying that we should lock up and segregate all the people you feel uncomfortable with? How about people in wheelchairs? Should we go back to segregating black people while we are at it?
Husband: Um, Emily, I think your ideas are not very progressive or open minded.
Stepmother-in-law: I just want you to explain your justification for your decisions about Aaron.
Me: (I lose it. Now shouting) I DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO YOU! MY SON DESERVES THE SAME HUMAN RIGHTS AS ANYBODY ELSE! HE WILL END UP IN A SEGREGATED SCHOOL OR A GROUP HOME OVER MY DEAD BODY.
Me: Storms out of the room. Rest of the visit with stepmother in-law goes as poorly as you can imagine.
Clearly I am not going to change this woman's attitude. But how many others are lurking out in society that feel our children are a burden, and not a gift?
My sister-in-law: They sure are short, and they sure like to dance, huh?
Me: (sound of me knocking my head against the table) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH
A conversation I had with my husband’s stepmother just last week:
Me: Aaron goes to his neighbourhood preschool. The government gives us funding for a Developmental Specialist to go with him and help him if he needs it.
Stepmother-in-law: Well, if all of them go to regular schools, there isn’t going to be enough room in the classroom for all those kids and their aides.
Me: What?!?
read more
Stepmother-in-law: And all of them are going to take attention away from the normal kids.
Me: (still in shock, but trying to be rationale) Well, studies have shown that typical kids learn a lot from children with disabilities.
Husband: (hates conflict, but chimes in) My business partner has a son with autism who is in grade one. What they have actually done is surround him with a group of kids who help teach him in the classroom. If you actually do something by teaching, you learn a lot more than just sitting passively and listening to a teacher.
Stepmother-in-law: I think they should be in special schools so they have special teachers help them.
Me: I want Aaron to go to the same school as his siblings. Kids with disabilities do not just take, take, take – they give back, too!
Me: (continuing, starting to lose my patience, but trying to express my point of view) We want Aaron to have choice in his life so he can live independently if he chooses to.
Stepmother-in-law: I think they should stay in institutions. They closed down the institutions and now they are all on the streets causing trouble. Look at East Hastings! (A notorious homeless and drug haven in Vancouver).
Me: (unsuccessfully suppressing my rage) So you are saying that we should lock up and segregate all the people you feel uncomfortable with? How about people in wheelchairs? Should we go back to segregating black people while we are at it?
Husband: Um, Emily, I think your ideas are not very progressive or open minded.
Stepmother-in-law: I just want you to explain your justification for your decisions about Aaron.
Me: (I lose it. Now shouting) I DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO YOU! MY SON DESERVES THE SAME HUMAN RIGHTS AS ANYBODY ELSE! HE WILL END UP IN A SEGREGATED SCHOOL OR A GROUP HOME OVER MY DEAD BODY.
Me: Storms out of the room. Rest of the visit with stepmother in-law goes as poorly as you can imagine.
Clearly I am not going to change this woman's attitude. But how many others are lurking out in society that feel our children are a burden, and not a gift?
posted by foodie suz at 11:15 PM
9 Comments:
Oh Suz, I felt this post as if it happened to me. It hurts, it hurts! And I hate the THEYs, so much, it's just another way for people to separate, to segregate. (I am just now learning we have some THEY-sayers in my family, too.) Keep fighting the good fight. I'm here with you!
It makes me so frustrated as just when you think you have converted someone into having some type of disability awareness, you realise that there is someone else standing right behind who has no idea. It's a never ending struggle but one that we have to continue to fight.
Oh god. I would have killed the woman. Congratulations for just storming out of the room.
What this conversation taught me is that I cannot change everybody's way of thinking with my reasons, no matter how well I articulate them.
We see this woman about twice a year, so it is unlikely her attitudes will shift. For people who see Aaron more regularly, I hope just having a relationship with him will be influential. Then I think they will see a boy who happens to have Down syndrome, instead of a 'they'.
Oh I know how hard it can be to deal with people like that! What hurts even more is when they are supposed to be family!!
OMG! I can't believe you have to deal with that kind of prejudice IN your own family. Wow. I couldn't deal. I got hot with anger and felt my mama bear rise up within me just reading. I'm glad you didn't smack her...I would have been soooo tempted.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Some people just aren't going to change their views, but you know what? It's THEIR problem, not yours. Just surround Aaron with people who DO accept him and treat him like the human he is and not someone "special." You're in my thoughts and prayers.
I have yet to experience anything like this with my two girls, but I'm sure it will happen eventually.
Oh dear oh dear oh dear. I am shocked but not surprised. I was once told by a "well-meaning" family member that he had instructed his kids to "take care" of my multiply disabled son after we die. "The goal," I said, "is for my son to take care of himself." My PS to that would have been, "it's gonna be hard for your kids to take care of my son if they won't look him in the eye, touch him or get within ten feet of the boy." Hang in there.
I am planning on posting a blog about the same thing. It makes me furious. Don't all kids like dancing. Don't all kids and adults like music. An guy I know always starts talking about Sheena's DS everytime I see him. It staggers me that all her sees is her DS, and that he often sees disabled people working in a workshop. She might also end up working where he works so it drives me nuts.
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