Monday, August 01, 2005

and wisdom to know the difference.

It must be said. I must say it. I must say it even though it hurts me tremendously to admit what is really going on here, what really happens.

See, it's Robbie. But it isn't. It isn't Robbie. It's the fact that often when I make plans for us and get us all ready to go and I tell him where we are going and what we will be doing...nothing. Just nothing. He doesn't show me at all that he hears me, that he understands me, that he wants to go or doesn't want to go. Now, I know full well he would have fun, say, at the fair, or the park or wherever. Or he won't and we'll do something else. I know whatever his reaction, we will be fine.

It's just the lack. Lack of reaction, understanding, helping me get him ready...the lack hurts me so much. It hurts so badly. And some days I just don't have the intestinal fortitude to care enough for the both of us.

And it is harder the older he gets. I need feedback. I need a sign. I just can't always do it.


Blogger Heartmom said...

I can relate to your feelings, even though our children have different disabilities... I get it, I understand.

Thanks for sharing. It is my hope that your strength is doubled, as is your peace.


9:12 PM  
Blogger Tara Marie said...

Sending you a sign, from a friend, from a have amazing wisdom and insight. I too wish for you an abundance of that wisdom that you share through your writing, for those moments when you have doubts.

My heart paused when I read your entry on July 22nd.......What a glorious word, 'Mom'.

Peace and love, Tara Marie

10:27 PM  
Blogger Moreena said...

I am so sad for you and R., reading this. What you are doing does, indeed, take intestinal fortitude, and you really do have it in spades. I always love reading your blog, because it is so clear how much you love R. It really does shine from you. But you are doing a hard, hard, hard job. R. may sometimes not give you that feedback that all we moms need, but here's a whole lot of reaction from this corner - you are fantastic.

7:43 AM  
Blogger Trista said...

You are an amazingly good mother. Reading your post, I can't help but think of all the mothers out in the world who don't become involved in their children’s lives, who don't take the time to raise them into moral children, who just can't find the time to be a significant part of their children's lives. Although it breaks my heart to read about how you suffer, I can't help but wish there were better mothers like you. I find you inspirational.

2:31 PM  
Blogger Sarahlynn said...

And reading your blog - like all of us, you post about the successes and that that's easier for us to focus on . . .

It's easy for me, over here at my own computer, to forget about why it's so hard, too. That just because there was a break through, that doesn't mean that there is no back sliding, or that it's as good as the best it ever was, all of the time.

In some ways, I think that what you do is the hardest of all, because often you must do it in a vacuum.

9:10 AM  

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